Sunday, December 27, 2015

"...don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining." 
- Sarah Kay, B (If I Should Have a Daughter)
It's exhausting having low self-esteem. The constant worry about how you speak or act, or if you're offending someone; always on the defense and apologizing for everylittlething--it's a burden. A burden that WE DID NOT CHOOSE.

Some people would dismiss this and say:

Just don't think about other people!
You do you!
Why do you care so much?

Empathy, ladies and gentlemen. Sadly, most people with low self-esteem are "gifted" with too much compassion, now is that a bad thing?

I guess my point is, if you know *this person*, please encourage her but don't push too hard. Never mock how she's sorry for tiniest things, instead admire her humility, and then tell her there's nothing to apologize for. Do not stop her from caring, instead let her know that her actions are appreciated, that she is appreciated. 

Twirrer twoughts

I've never been a fan of anything showbiz before. In my circle, this corner of the world didnt even exist. But KS & Aldub changed all that! Now there are jazz musicians, restaurateurs, Palanca award winning writers, and academics who I spazz out with about this. Haymsarreh but these are people/friends I admire and if they're cheap and jeje, then so am I! Confidently jeje with a heart! 💙

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AxM made me read poetry again, & my poet of a husband couldn't be happier so he pulled out suggestions from his stash. If AxM made me make him happy 💙, then this is all worth it. 

And for that, a couple lines for AxM 💙:

"Is this not gravity?"
"Inside,
I fall endlessly"

- JA, Greater than 9.8m/s^2 (2013)

Sunday, December 13, 2015

What they don't tell you

jesyjesy.wordpress.com, October 2015

Na pag nakarinig ka ng nagta-tagalog sa Walmart, hahanapin mo yung may-ari ng boses.
Na mahal ang pinoy corned beef sa Asian store
Na sayang ang pagka-fluent mo in beki kasi walang maka-gets pag napasabi ka ng “choz!”
‘Tong si Ate, tagos makasulat. I miss you, Pinas.


Kakabasa ko lang ng What they don’t tell you when you leave the Philippines ni Ate Shakira Sison for Rappler. Hindi talaga pumreno si Ate sa pag-narrate ng buhay ko. Siguro magkasabwat sila ni Sir Elton John.

Nung mabasa ko ‘to, andami kong binalikan. Yung mga huling araw ko sa Pilipinas na walang hanggan ang saya kasi puros despedida, yung excitement ng bagong simula (certified ningas kugon), yung bittersweet na 22hr flight pa-Amerika dahil finally, magkakasama na kayo, pero may malaking parte mo ang naiwan dun oh (may kasamang nguso). Sa totoo lang, sa mga panahon na yun, hindi naman talaga ako nalungkot: yung idea ng lungkot siguro, oo, naisip ko. Pero hindi ko naramdaman nang todo. Excited pa eh.

Pero unti-unti, it creeps on you. Sa araw-araw na gigising ka, at aalis ang asawa’t anak papunta sa trabaho’t eskwela, maiiwan ka sa maginhawang bahay na may A/C at hot water pero walang kausap. Tuwing Friday ng umaga, lalantad sa timeline mo ang realtime photos ng mga kaibigan sa Pinas (gabi dun ngayon, gimik night), at di mo aakalaing pati traffic sa EDSA mami-miss mo kasi di ka maka-relate. Pagsapit ng gabi, pag deserving ka na sa wine na binili mo on your way home from work, susubaybayan mo ang #weekendplans nila sa facebook/instagram/twitter habang naka-online ka sa skype (oo ikaw lang). ‘Yaan mo, ikaw naman ang weekend, magsaya ka. Ang ganda-ganda dito sa Amerika eh, andaming parks at country fairs. Honggondo ng fall foliage, magugustuhan to ni sister for her selfies; masarap yung barbecue, magugustuhan ‘to ni kuya, lakas lumamon nun eh; masarap ang simoy ng hangin, magugustuhan ‘to nila mama at papa. Wala… wala na. Isimba mo na lang yang lungkot mo bukas. [Miski sa simbahan, mami-miss mo yung “Papuri”, tsaka “Kordero”, at yung pagpalakpak ng mga tao pagkatapos ng misa.]

Na-inform ka naman, ‘yan ang lagi nilang sinasabi: ang pinaka-matinding kalaban, yung lungkot. Alam mo naman yun, pero iba pag pisikal mo nang nararamdaman yung pangungulila na kapalit ng ginhawa. So, totoo pala.

Walang iniwan ‘tong si Ate Writer, swakto yung mga tirada niya. Na-warn ka man dun sa lungkot (na abstract pa sayo noon kaya akala mo, wala sisiw yun), di mo naman in-expect na yung maliliit na bagay, yun ang mabigat. Defying laws of physics. What they don’t tell you when you leave the Philippines:

Na pag nakarinig ka ng nagta-tagalog sa Walmart, hahanapin mo yung may-ari ng boses.
Na mahal ang pinoy corned beef sa Asian store
Na sayang ang pagka-fluent mo in beki kasi walang maka-gets pag napasabi ka ng “choz!”
Na unlimited man ang ketchup, mustard or barbecue sauce, maghahanap ka ng Mang Tomas.
Na pag wala ka pang lisensiya, mami-miss mo ang jeep, tricycle, fx, at ang isang dosena pang ibang forms of transportation na pwede mong sakyan sa Pinas para makarating from point A to point B… lalo na kung di walking distance ang 7-11.
Na walang sinabi ang ulan dito sa ambon natin diyan. Parang nakikiraan lang, di ka man lang makatapos ng isang sad bastard playlist.
Na di madaling makahanap ng liempo, buto-buto, o di kaya isdang may ulo o balat (hindi fillet)
Na walang calamansi, at ang lemon at lime ay hindi sapat

Napakarami kong natutunan tungkol sa sarili ko dito. Siguro kasi tahimik, naririnig ko ang sarili kong mag-isip. Ang ingay nga dito (turo sa ulo) eh. Pero sa susunod na yun, kota na ang tita mo sa realizations

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Better late than...

I maybe sick on our anniversary but here I am on my sick day, trying hard not to be inarticulate. Better late than pregger...NEVER! NEVER! lol
Thanks for eight years of being strong and selfless, and for putting up with all my cray: my indecisiveness, the impromptu production numbers, learning beki just to communicate w me, and having to rummage through the clutter in my head. Happy anniversary, T! I wish you luck in the coming years! :))) Love you! *end of keso*

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I think I'm reviving this space...

...since I created a Twirrer alter-ego na rin naman. Mag-iimis imis lang ako konti dito, magtatanggal ng agiw, ganoin.

I actually just consolidated all of my blogs into one wordpress site and thought of deleting and forever letting go all my blogspots... buti na lang shinamad akur. Ayan, meron tuloy partner anf Twirrer alter-ego ko hihi *pabebe hawi ng herr*

Okay will start cleaning this up now. *starts playing Queen Bey dance playlist*

Monday, March 17, 2014

(reviewing for a science exam)

me: what is a satellite?

j: a satellite is a .... (verbatim definition)

me: wow! did you really memorize it?

j: no, i just read it once. i just remember it somehow.

me: then how come you still forget your lunchbox at school?! 

#pickyourbattles #loselose

Thursday, August 15, 2013

that existential moment just before you have to go do number 2, but are in an inconvenient time and place. a part of who you are flashes before you: what should i do? why here? why now?

very enlightening.

#shithappens